I wish this was going to be one of those great update posts where I would tell you about AJ’s summer, our travels and in general just give everyone a little bit of sunshine and puppy dogs. But it’s not. I’m hurting. The pain in my heart is intense.
For those of you who don’t know I was pregnant. 15 weeks to be exact. It was a girl. Sometimes though, things just don’t go the way you planned. My poor baby girl was sick. We found out a few weeks ago that there was a problem, and she just didn’t get better. I wish, I could have made her better…. AJ always asks for kisses on his boo-boo’s and of course I always oblige, but this time there wasn’t anything I could kiss for my baby girl. I just couldn’t make it all better.
The pain I’m feeling deep inside is so intense. There is a constant lump in my throat and my eyes are continually watery. I do sleep at night, but I also wake up several times. My mind immediately goes to her and the pain that I’m feeling. I don’t know when I will be able to sleep through the night. Had this been January already, when she was due, I wouldn’t be sleeping either. So, I don’t have the right to complain about not sleeping.
I wish my mom was alive. I would call her and she would put me at ease and make me feel better. She would be here to comfort me. I do need comfort, I want so badly to feel better.
My husband is in pain too. He just hides it better. He wants me to feel better, he wants everything to go back to “normal”. I wish I could give him that, but I can’t. When will I feel normal? Do I even know what normal is? We have been going through this with our emotions for so long now, I’m not sure that I will know what normal is, even if it does appear in our lives again.
I wish I had more faith in myself right now.
