Happy Anniversary

I love my husband and I’m glad that 3 years ago today he gave me the honor of making me his wife.  We have had a crazy year of ups and downs – and he has given me support and love, so for that I thank him from the bottom of my heart.  I hope next year brings us a lot more ups than downs, but most of all I hope that we cherish every single moment, because even though life doesn’t always go exactly the way that we plan – not only do we have each other, we have these times, which do make us stronger and we have proven that. 

Honey, thank you for giving me a family, because 3 years ago I was without.  I love you. 

kissy kissy

Beauty Products I love…

So I thought I would do something a little bit different and give you my list of things I love – beauty wise.  These are things that I have used forever – things I can’t live without when it comes to making me pur’tee.  So, here goes it.

• Phyto-Defrisant:  I’ve mentioned this little gem on my blog before.  I’ve used it since before I can remember.  Which is a hell of a long time.  At least 15 years.  It gets better over time (kinda like wine – and wine is good, so this must be good).  It’s takes the frizz out of your hair and also relaxes the curl – as much as possible before blowing it dry.  If you try it, don’t just try it once , give it at least a week.
• OPI nail color:  Seriously, you must be living under a rock if you haven’t tried any of these nail colors.  The names along are reason enough to try them.  Anymore, I just prefer them on my toes – because I use Shellac on my nails, but these are the best for the toes.
• CND Shellac Nails:  As mentioned in previous bullet… if you get a maincure this is really the only way to go anymore.  Get shellac.  It’s worth your money because it stays on for at least a week.  The salons will say 2 weeks, but I only get a week, maybe a week and a half. 
• NARS Primer (Pro-Prime): I’ve been using primer since they first came out and I’ve tested them all.  This is the only one that I’ve found that doesn’t feel like their is a ‘film’ on your face.  Once is goes on it feels weight-less and you can then put on your foundation after.  You only need a little bit, so even though the price is a little bit heavy – it does last a bit long.  Also, I don’t wear this as much in the winter as I find I don’t need a primer as much.
• Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel: I’m not a big Clinique fan, but this stuff is awesome.  Goes on super light and doesn’t clog your pores at all.  I wish it had an SPF, but it doesn’t so that is the only down side…. maybe someday they will add it.

So that is my quick list of favorites.  What is yours?  Looking at my list, the only thing that I haven’t used forever are the Shellac nails, cuz those just came out, guess I shouldn’t have added those to the list.  Oh well.

Enjoy!

Just a list.

1) Life is getting a little bit better.  I can’t say that I’m 100% back to normal, but “we are back into our groove”.

2) The god forsaken heat is gone.  I’m not too sure that it won’t come back, but damn this little touch of fall sure does feel good.  The high today didn’t get above 75, I love this type of weather.  I wish it didn’t get above or below this – ever.

3) AJ might just about be ready for potty training.  We aren’t pushing him… but he’s done both into the old throne, which makes us think he might be ready.  I don’t know though, he still goes off and hides behind a chair every time he needs to go #2.

4) We really need a family vacation.  I told Chris that before the year was out he needed to get something planned, because we earned a family vacation after the year that we have had.  So, I’m not sure where we we are going to go, but it needed to be warm and it needed to have a beach, because AJ needed to witness an ocean.

AJ making a pie

5) AJ is going to see his first parade on Saturday and I think he is going to love it.  I took him to the farmers market this past Saturday and there was a man playing a saxophone and he really couldn’t take his eye off the man, so I know he is going to love the parade.  After that, we are going to the carnival.  Super fun family day!

6) AJ and I made an awesome peach pie with the fresh peaches that we purchased from the farmers market.  AJ loves to help me in the kitchen.  If I’m cooking he drags his chair over the counter to help and he also takes our aprons out of the cabinet.  We always have to wear our aprons when we cook together

7)  If you have never been to Children’s Orchard, I suggest you go… I sold a ton of his clothes this past Wednesday.  Awesome thing to do.  Also, if you don’t sell everything, they will donate the items they don’t take to a local shelter.

8) AJ is still in his crib.  He has only tried to climb out one time.  So, I guess I’m in no real rush to move him out at this point.  But then again, should I be????  If you read this blog and you have a child that is still in his crib, what do you think I should do?  He is only 2 and he isn’t trying to get out, should I leave him in?  Should I move him out?  I guess at some point we are going to have to move him to a big bed.  He is getting a bit tall for it, so that is maybe my only concern.  Thoughts?

9) I joined a new gym.  Super excited.  I also got a trainer and I start next week.

Mickey Mouse Hat!

10) I just want to send out a thank you to all my friends for the kind words and prayers over the last few weeks.  I really appreciate it.  Everyone has been very nice.  The emails and the phone calls have been very appreciated.  So, thank you.

Talk to you later!

I don’t know how.

I didn’t know how to title this post.  So, I’m just not titling it.  I’m basically “in flux”.  Life does go on.  I’m witnessing it. I crawled out of bed, I made it back to work.  I started realizing that I needed to move on with my life.  I couldn’t hibernate forever.  There will come a time when I’m completely back to myself, I’m just not there yet, I do hope that is soon… I know I have several people supporting me also.  I am learning to appreciate the moment…

My heart is very much still in pain.  I still think about my baby girl every single day.  I don’t know how to not think about her. – I very much believe that is what I have to learn.  I have to learn, not to think about her first. This is so hard.  I suppose when you decide to have a baby you sign up for this (the good, and the possible very bad), but holy hell, this is so freaking hard.  My heart is in so much pain and I just want it to be better.

What to say?

AJ and Mom

I’m crying less.  I suppose that is good, or maybe not.  Someday, I will blog about the day and everything that happened, but today I’m not going to do that.  I believe others should know what I went through, because had I known everything that was going to happen, I would have been better prepared.  Some of it may be TMI, but I know someone out there will appreciate my words.  So, stay tuned for that post.

Where to go from here?  I don’t really know.  Here is what I do know…. I love my son and I love my husband.  We are a family and that hasn’t changed.  I’m grateful for that.  The only thing that has changed is that I’m more protective of what I do have.  I find myself watching AJ closer and wanting to know when my husband is going to be home and what he is doing… I just want them both near me.  I don’t know if that will change anytime soon.  Every night before bed I would always go and check on AJ and now, I go and check on him several times and just watch him sleep for a few minutes.  I love to see how peaceful he is and I love to touch his warm skin.

I’m going to try to go back to work on Friday.  At least I will get one day in this week.  The medication I’m on isn’t making sitting at a desk really easy for me at the moment, so even if emotionally I’m ready, physically I’m really not.  I’m working from home as much as possible though, so I am trying to keep up with work.  I do like the normalness of that.  It is giving me something to keep my mind on.

My biggest concern with going back to work is of course the questions I’m going to get.  I’m hopeful people won’t be too stupid, but there are always those people who will ask me what happened, and honestly I really would just like to respond… it’s none of your damn business.  I suppose that’s not really work appropriate, but then again, neither is the question they asked me in the first place.

Going through this has given me new perspective on certain questions.  Why do people ask… Didn’t she want other children?  Are you going to have other kids?  Seriously… why do people ask those questions?  People don’t understand the pain that might be hiding behind those types of questions.  If I’m never given the opportunity to become pregnant again, and I’m asked one of those questions… I’m just going to ask for forgiveness now, because you don’t want to be on the receiving end of my response.

Too freaking hot!

So, in other non-baby related news…. our house is being overtaken by ants.  We’ve had the exterminator out here 2 times and still no resolve.  From what I understand they are coming in for the water because its been so dry out and of course because it’s been like 111 for the past week I guess the creatures need some liquid.  AJ has gone on ant patrol and yells ‘bad ant’ every time he sees one.  He won’t kill it, he just announces it’s arrival.

The hubs is going to actually get me out of the house on Friday night for dinner and a movie.  He’s trying to be sweet, but honestly, I have absolutely nothing to wear.  None of my clothes fit because I’m still caring baby weight.  So, I’m wondering if the restaurant would mind if I would wear my bathrobe?  It’s a lovely shade of brown, I would remove the toothpaste stains if they would let me wear it

He’s also suckered me into a Royals game on Sunday.  It’s going to be the first one for AJ, so that should be fun, interesting and hot.  It’s at 1:10, which is right in the middle of AJ’s nap time, so we are only hoping for the best.  We took him to Livestrong park for a soccer game not too long ago and he did great, so hopefully this will be the same.  Chris’ dad is going as well, so hopefully Grandpa’s appearance will help as well.  Again, I have nothing to wear… I’m going to have to get some shorts and slather on some tanning cream.

Well, I’m rambling.  Honestly though, I’m not sleeping.  I’m not even sure if anyone reads this blog, but these posts are helping me.  I like ‘talking’ to myself.  Theraputic I guess.

So much to say.

I wish this was going to be one of those great update posts where I would tell you about AJ’s summer, our travels and in general just give everyone a little bit of sunshine and puppy dogs.  But it’s not.  I’m hurting.  The pain in my heart is intense.

For those of you who don’t know I was pregnant.  15 weeks to be exact.  It was a girl.  Sometimes though, things just don’t go the way you planned.  My poor baby girl was sick.  We found out a few weeks ago that there was a problem, and she just didn’t get better.  I wish, I could have made her better…. AJ always asks for kisses on his boo-boo’s and of course I always oblige, but this time there wasn’t anything I could kiss for my baby girl.  I just couldn’t make it all better.

The pain I’m feeling deep inside is so intense.  There is a constant lump in my throat and my eyes are continually watery.  I do sleep at night, but I also wake up several times.  My mind immediately goes to her and the pain that I’m feeling.  I don’t know when I will be able to sleep through the night.  Had this been January already, when she was due, I wouldn’t be sleeping either.  So, I don’t have the right to complain about not sleeping.

I wish my mom was alive.  I would call her and she would put me at ease and make me feel better.  She would be here to comfort me.  I do need comfort, I want so badly to feel better.

My husband is in pain too.  He just hides it better.  He wants me to feel better, he wants everything to go back to “normal”.  I wish I could give him that, but I can’t.  When will I feel normal?  Do I even know what normal is?  We have been going through this with our emotions for so long now, I’m not sure that I will know what normal is, even if it does appear in our lives again.

I wish I had more faith in myself right now.

darn it, such a slacker

I have no excuses. Well, busy I guess would be my only excuse. But, I’m back and trying this again…. “trying” is the obvious word.

AJ is turning 2 in a just about a month and a half, so maybe I should start with an update on him. He is just over 30 lbs. and he is a ball of energy along with being a great eater. He knows what he likes and doesn’t like and there really isn’t much he doesn’t like. Favorite foods are: salmon, apples, oranges, broccoli and m-n-m’s. He LOVES mm’s more than anything though and we’ve had to ration them and only give them for good behavior. He doesn’t like asparagus or bananas. He use to like bananas, but I think the consistency isn’t favorable to him anymore.

We are thinking about starting to potty train. He knows what to do in the bathroom, but we aren’t sure how ready to potty train he is. We don’t want to rush though.

I have been traveling too much for work so its been interesting to see how AJ reacts to that. I have been feeling guilty but there isn’t much I can do about the travel other than really spend a lot of quality time with him before and after I travel.

I have a new Droid notebook and I really like it, but its not allowing me to upload an image otherwise I would…. check facebook for the most recent.

Summer plans include 2 trips to Tulsa – one for my 20th highschool reunion. We are staying with one of my closest friend’s parents house. I can’t wait to spend time with her and her family. Looking forward to that more than the reunion! Ugh, feeling so old.

Another trip this summer will be to Denver to visit several friends but also to see Chris’ sister. They moved to Denver a while back from NYC and we haven’t made it out for a visit yet.

So I think that brings this blog up to dare for now, much more interesting stuff to post in a few weeks, I’m sure,

Holy crap, where have I been?

Christmas came and went, many a snow storm came and went… life has just been slowly going by and this blog has just been sitting here silent. 

Where to begin….Christmas was great.  AJ was awesome this year.  He was so surprised by his gifts.  He loved having a tree in the house for a couple of weeks.  At first he wasn’t very sure about it, but slowly he warmed up to the idea.  We spent most of Christmas day at Chris’ parents house.  AJ loved that. 

AJ took his first plane ride right around New Years.  Too much waiting around in the gateway area – meant for a very uncomfortable plane ride.  So, we ended up standing and walking around in the back part of the plane.  He fell asleep just about 10 minutes before we landed.  Ugh.  We spent New Years and a few days after in Dallas with friends and had a great time.  We also made our first trip to IKEA.  (that place is way too big)

At Freestate around Christmas

I made a quick trip to Tulsa to pick up some of my mom’s remaining items at my Stepfathers house.  Apparently, he placed the house up for sale(?) and it sold.  Not too sure about that.  I’m glad my to have finally gotten the family Christmas ornaments back… it will be nice to hang them on the tree next year. 

AJ had his 18month check up.  He is doing so good.  Growing so big.  Wish he was talking more…. He loves blackberries lately.  We are buying them in bulk from Costco he loves them so much.  Loves music and will turn on the stereo to rock out.  Such a fun little guy. 

I can’t wait for spring to begin.  I’ve had enough of the cold weather! 

Later, gators.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane.. it’s just cold.

Man it’s cold outside.  We tried to get a lot done this weekend (and for the most part we did) but we really didn’t want to go outside because it was so darn cold.  Friday it was lovely outside and then by Friday night it was just freaking cold. 

Saturday we had plans to go get our Christmas Tree, but the winds were so bad that we were afraid that the tree would take off from the top of our car like a airplane.  Instead we went to the Bass Pro Shop to try and see Santa. That was a complete bust.  Apparently, the entire world had the same idea we had.  So that was a no go.  We did some Christmas shopping and then headed home. 

AJ played a little.  He is really into wearing capes lately.  I believe he is going to save the world some day, and I think he believe’s it also. 

AJ is here to save the day!

On Sunday when we woke up the wind had died down a bit.  We got up and had breakfast (pancakes a la dad) and then went on a never-ending search for a Christmas tree.  We finally found one but we drove around for like an hour.  It left me wondering what happened to all the tree lots in this town?  We had to buy one at Earl May, but we had really wanted to buy one from like a church group or the boy scouts.  Oh well.  At least we didn’t buy it from Walmart.

This week I need to focus finishing up the Christmas shopping.  Ugh, so much still left to buy! 

Cheers.

Picture post!

I’m crazy for pictures.  I mean, I could have professional pictures  taken of my family like once a month.  I love the way they turn out.  I wish I had the ability to take them as well as a professional does. 

I found this new photog (Whitney Eicherl Photography) via Lucky Monkey and I have to say I was super dooper happy.  First off, the coupon was crazy good and next she was way nice and then finally she turned out to be an OSU grad.  How great!  Let’s just say, we will be using her again!!!!  Enjoy some pics! 

How cute am I?

One happy fam!

Watching our cute kid run around....

I'm so cute!

Serious, seriously cold...

Happy Holidays Everyone!